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  Eat, Spray, Love

  9781864712353

  A Bantam book

  Published by Random House Australia Pty Ltd

  Level 3, 100 Pacific Highway, North Sydney NSW 2060

  www.randomhouse.com.au

  First published by Bantam in 2011

  Copyright © Joan Sauers 2011

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity, including internet search engines or retailers, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying (except under the statutory exceptions provisions of the Australian Copyright Act 1968), recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system without the prior written permission of Random House Australia.

  Addresses for companies within the Random House Group can be found at www.randomhouse.com.au/offices

  National Library of Australia

  Cataloguing-in-Publication Entry

  Sauers, Joan

  Eat, spray, love

  ISBN: 978 1 86471 234 6 (pbk).

  Cats – Anecdotes.

  Blossom (Cat).

  Australian wit and humor.

  636.8

  Photography by Ruby Heery and Joan Sauers

  Cover design by Christabella Designs

  For my flatmate, Joan, because she gets me

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Imprint Page

  Dedication

  Eat, Spray, Love

  Some might ask, why should Blossom – someone who never leaves her apartment – write a memoir? And I ask, why go all the way to Italy or India or even out your front door when the truth and beauty of the universe lies within?

  Sure, travelling can be fun. You bring home memories. You can also bring home huge credit card debt and an STD.

  I like to keep my carbon pawprint small.

  I could spend more time outside, but really … is it worth it? All that hunting and competition and vehicular catslaughter.

  I don’t think so.

  Having my food brought in versus risking life and limb? It’s a no-brainer.

  Don’t ever let anyone tell you there’s less dignity in being served than in clawing your way through the undergrowth in search of a rodent that drinks bin juice.

  Here at home I have all the creature comforts.

  Refreshments are served in my own ceramic bowls.

  I love the way the stoneware keeps the water cool, especially in summer.

  Never eat out of plastic if you can help it. You deserve better.

  I often tickle the water with one paw.

  I like to imagine succulent salmon swimming through the shallows.

  At home I can still indulge in the pleasures of the hunt.

  Moths are at once infuriating and seductive.

  I (almost) always get them in the end.

  And if I don’t, there are other moths.

  Life isn’t just about conquering the biggest, fastest, rarest creatures.

  Flies may not be exotic but they’re fabulous fun.

  Never overlook domestic prey.

  Sometimes I imagine getting out there, mixing it up …

  …but then I’m reminded of how good life is right where I am.

  When you begin to think that the grass is greener elsewhere, climb into the lap of someone you love.

  I revel in my domesticity.

  Domestic felines are the only cats (including lions and tigers) that can walk while holding their tails vertical.

  Suck on that, Simba.

  Some call me a poseur, but I’m just more comfortable when I’m in a photogenic position.

  It pays to know your best angles.

  But sometimes … angle schmangle.

  You don’t need expensive hobbies or designer playthings. Why not pass the time toying with some simple accessory in the environment?

  Sometimes it’s nice just … to be.

  I do a lot of thinking on the back of the couch. I think about how much softer these new cushions are than the old ones and the way they mould themselves around my body.

  Learn to wallow in life’s simple pleasures.

  Although universally acknowledged as being beneficial to your health and a natural imperative dictated by our body clocks, napping is underrated and often neglected.

  I can do it anywhere, like the Chinese.

  I have mixed feelings about house guests.

  They disrupt the natural order of things but bring exciting alien smells.

  Ultimately, it’s better to be open to new people – as long as they come to you and don’t stay too long.

  I like shoes. Especially shiny ones.

  I encourage my flatmate to wear these around the house, but she usually opts for thongs.

  Sometimes I suspect she doesn’t care how she looks around me.

  Sniffing is one of life’s great pleasures. It’s like hearing a wonderful, never-ending story with all its nuance and complexity.

  Let life be one long olfactory soap opera.

  Another great pleasure is scratching oneself.

  Be sure to devote yourself completely to the act, so your access to ecstasy is unobstructed.

  Chewing is another reason to get out of bed in the morning.

  An old handbag can satisfy like nothing else.

  My flatmate can be very territorial about certain things (like old handbags), but I’ve learned how to cope.

  If people are in a bad mood,

  it’s wise to stay out of their way until they cool off.

  In case you hadn’t heard, tabby is the new black.

  Shedding comes naturally and feels fantastic.

  My flatmate often wears white, which really comes alive with a bit of tabby fur.

  It doesn’t work the other way around.

  No matter how much it amuses others,

  don’t let them dress you up in their wardrobe.

  Birds. They think they’re so cool flying between the trees and up in the air.

  Grab one if you can. For all of us.

  That bastard would fit neatly in my mouth.

  My pet hate is the vacuum cleaner.

  Personally, I don’t see the point. While it’s on, I generally stay out of the way.

  Avoid other people’s loud noises.

  It’s important to express your emotions.

  Purring will cue those around you to your happiness with the current situation so they will recreate that situation often.

  Kneading is also a great way to show your approval and you get a work-out at the same time!

  But you’ll probably need a nap afterwards.

  But when things don’t go according to plan, boldly express your extreme disapproval so the same mistake isn’t made twice.

  Of course, you could always leave. But they don’t make it easy.

  Licking yourself is one of life’s true pleasures.

  One’s remotest corners are often the most delicious.

  I love my tail. I pity those, like my flatmate, who don’t have one.

  Ho
w she manages to stay vertical is beyond me.

  Don’t let anyone push you around.

  If you must leave home to visit the vet, a reputation for being ‘high-maintenance’ will work in your favour.

  Good grooming is the key to good health and popularity. Groom well and frequently, enjoying the process as much as the end result!

  Stretching is an excellent way to get the blood flowing and keep the muscles toned. Followed directly by a nap.

  I’m an avid supporter of the fine arts.

  Sometimes I like to make sculptural shapes.

  It lends a bit of class to the apartment.

  Learn the art of the ‘subtle nag’.

  Wait patiently until your flatmate’s nearly finished their meal and then stare suggestively at the plate until they think it’s their idea to share.

  When the opportunity arises, seize what is rightfully yours.

  I hate it when people try to introduce me to a new ‘friend’.

  There was an unfortunate incident with a feline the neighbour dragged in.

  To paraphrase Sartre, hell is other cats.

  Although occasionally a handsome cat can turn my head.

  But remember not to make the mistake I once did: only spray when you know he’s interested and has sprayed first.

  Whatever he tells you, don’t imagine he’s interested in settling down and playing happy families.

  They may be inferior, but the sheer number of outdoor cats will be too much to resist.

  Never spray if you’re around one of those cats with lopsided facial markings.

  Asymmetry is the sign of a deviant.

  The problem with romance is that it doesn’t leave enough time for the really important things in life, like licking, chewing and contemplating the universe.

  That is not to say I have no love in my life.

  My flatmate and I love each other beyond measure and we prove it every day – she cooks and cleans and in return I let her scratch me.

  It feels good to be so generous.

  Some people think I’m cool and indifferent, but that’s just my exterior.

  My heart beats twice as fast as a human’s.

  That’s the sound of me working so hard to love you.

  You should also learn to love and honour yourself.

  In my case, it was easy.

  Embrace your loner status.

  Being single means never having to share the spotlight.

  Even – especially – if you’re single, look after yourself and keep your claws sharp.

  That’s what the couch is there for.

  I don’t get the allure of the bath. But I’m fascinated that others get it.

  I prefer small, cosy, dry spaces where I can be alone with my thoughts. Make sure you always have some place to go that no one else can fit into.

  One has to be careful, however. Avoid boxes with packing tape.

  Sometimes people can be so annoying.

  But other times, they can be heaps of fun.

  The attraction is partly the surprising wiggle of the toes and partly the taste of the socks.

  Yum.

  Sometimes playing with your own body parts can be just as much fun as playing with someone else’s.

  I love playing ‘fetch’. I tried a number of purpose-built toys, but ultimately, the best thing is a balled-up scrap of paper.

  Remember that you don’t have to spend a fortune to amuse yourself.

  Playing, eating, hunting and grooming can be exhausting.

  I try to get twenty-three hours of sleep out of every twenty-four.

  Sometimes it’s a struggle, but no one ever said life would be easy.

  To sleep, perchance to dream … aye, that’s as good as a rub, especially if you dream, like I do, of fish fillets and slow-moving mice.

  I get a lot of exercise when dreaming;

  my legs move quite nimbly as I pursue imagined prey.

  Who could deny that it’s a wonderful life when you can work out while you sleep?

  I’m not always asleep when I have my eyes closed.

  I may be thinking deep thoughts. Or inspecting the insides of my eyelids.

  Is there anything better than the feel of the sun on your belly?

  Remember, the sun that shines through your window is the same sun that shines on Tuscany, Tahiti and Provence.

  The sun on your face also makes you feel like a goddess.

  When it gets really hot, there’s nothing like lying on cool glass.

  In winter I like to position myself directly behind the heater.

  You get maximum effect …

  …and there’s still a bit of a view.

  Of course, sometimes you want to be both warm … and on display.

  Sometimes it’s nice just to chill.

  When certain people are sitting where you want to sit, cultivate a menacing stare so they get the message.

  Fortunately I have my own chair. As each of us should. Virginia Woolf wrote about the importance of ‘a room of one’s own’, but a chair is enough for me.

  As far as the rest of the apartment goes, I’m happy to share.

  As long as someone else does the cleaning.

  Life’s not about material objects, but did I mention that I have a fabulous bed?

  Of course, you don’t always need a bed.

  An artfully arranged dressing-gown will suffice.

  Learn to improvise and you will always have a place to unwind.

  I just wish people would understand that if I’m in bed it means I’m otherwise engaged.

  In other words …

  Just. Go. Away.

  In general, though, people are very accommodating. For instance, I can’t spell so my flatmate helped me with this manuscript.

  Ask for help. Eventually you can get people to do everything.

  The trick is making them think they’re at the top of the pecking order when in fact you run the show.

  So, what’s next for me? I’m working on a diet book and a graphic novel.

  Developing an idea for a screenplay. And I’ll do it all from home.

  I’ve learned that the world is only as small as my imagination.

  Blossom was born on 7 February 2009, sharing a birthday with Charles Dickens and Ashton Kutcher. She lives in Sydney, Australia, with fellow author, Joan Sauers. Together they love watching movies, eating seafood and listening to music. Blossom particularly adores work composed for the viola da gamba by seventeenth-century French composer, Marin Marais. She has no desire to travel.

 

 

  Blossom Sauers, Eat Spray Love

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